Taken for Granted...

It's not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when it's time to snow
Don't need to teach a seed to grow
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift, they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up, and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn't it remarkable?
Like everytime a raindrop falls
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

The birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don't throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
'Cause we are all a part

Of the ordinary miracle
Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle

It seems so exceptional
That things work out after all
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

The sun comes out and shines so bright
And disappears again at night
It's just another
Ordinary miracle today

It's just another
Ordinary miracle today
Ordinary Miracle- Sarah Mclachlan

  As I write this I am holding a sick little two year old girl, with a fever. As if to punctuate my thoughts today... How ordinary we view the miracle of life- and how easily it is taken.
  I have been blessed with five healthy children, who have taught me more than I will ever teach them, four daughters and one son. Just over ten years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child Sadie, I remember feeling like I would miss her so much when she was no longer in my womb. And that pregnancy was utterly textbook- resulting in a marvelous and beautiful little girl. Little did I know how rare that experience was going to be for me, but at that time I revelled in my maternal state. When Matthew and I decided to have children we had to make conscious effort to do so- and began a trip down the infertility path. I believe that years of abuse on my body in the form of an eating disorder, as well as relative inactivity made it very difficult at the start. We were blessed to be in the very bottom of fertility issues though and after a few doses of Clomid- we conceived our baby. I remember feeling utter rage at the very idea that we were having difficulty, when 'everyone else' around us seemed to have no trouble at all- some even had to PREVENT such things??? I now know that I was very wrong in my perceptions, and more and more couples are having trouble where there had never been an issue before. At the time though I resented every baby shower I had to go to, and the growing crowd of symptomatic friends with whom I couldn't relate... yet.
   Now five children later I find that whole time to be a unique window, and I have learned a LOT since then. Mary-Grace took just a little longer than Sadie to conceive and THAT pregnancy rocked my world- I was so ill and so weak that I had to be introduced to what would become my best friend in pregnancy- the I.V. fluids... Man it's amazing how a little bit of electrolytes can really make a difference to your overall well being! Mercifully Mary-Grace came just over two weeks early sunny-side up bracing for the world never the less...Then Hazel was conceived also with Clomid, with what began as a twin- and I am SURE it was Gabriel, not yet ready to make his debut- or else unwilling to share the spotlight with his sister. I grieved the loss while feeling thankful that I was still going to have ONE baby, and though I suffered brutally through that pregnancy I did have a BEAUTIFUL little girl, born one month early. I also looked smokin' hot after, a solid 55lbs less than I was when I GOT pregnant...

   After Hazel, and now the mother of three little ladies I decided that I needed to get my act together and start taking better care of my health- thereby beginning my love affair with exercise. The offside of that was that we surprisingly conceived Gabriel. I was so staggered by the unlikeliness of it all that I took four different kinds of pregnancy test... and about $40.00 later Matt told me to just let it go- I was pregnant!!! I was convinced that it was a result of the BRAND of test I was using??? Crazy pregnant already, it still makes me laugh to think about. Gabe's pregnancy was pretty horrific although I did keep up my exercise as long as possible, and it made a HUGE difference to my delivery. He was a sweet and tiny 34 week-er, who had threatened to be born enough times before, that  modern medicine was able to give him a greater chance and prepare his lungs. As we held him we marveled at how delicate and how fragile he was... it was pretty unbelievable to consider that had he been born thirty years before he wouldn't have made it most likely- and now he's my sweetheart moose boy!


   Then after much prompting from the Lord and some finessing on my part we got our little Laurel. Also born six weeks early and much to my chagrin- the miracles that occurred with her- were uncountable- for real. Everything from false developmental concerns, stress, and several bouts of preterm labour, to an amazing outcome at her delivery when it seemed certain she was going to need to be born via c-section. And the real miracle of it all- that just eleven days after she joined us my Mother passed away. I like to think that the Lord knew I simply could NOT do it AFTER, and gave me a little perfectly healthy baby doll to nurture, while the surrealness went on around me.

So the thing I am reflecting on today is the amazement that perhaps gets lost in the day to day grind- the unbelievability of life- that it works AT ALL and as often as it does. I wish to thank my Maker for the awesome gifts that he has given me, and my husband. Even IF they do get sick and throw up all over you...

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...



Sitting with some of the Wheatley cousins...

I love mother; she loves me.
We love daddy, yes sirree;
He loves us, and so you see,
We are a happy family.

I love sister; she loves me.
We love brother, yes sirree;
He loves us, and so you see,
We are a happy family.

A Happy Family- Childrens Songbook

     

    One of the greatest things about me is where I came from. I am the oldest child in a family of eleven, and I have five brothers and three sisters. Mike, Amy, Leisl, Shawn, Dave, Cameron, Marcus and Keltie. We have a running joke about saying every one's names really fast in order both forward and back- and it gets PRETTY ridiculous. We all love music, we all have talents and we ALL have opinions, although NONE of us has ever been wrong, so that's lucky...

    As the oldest child I had a LOT of responsibilities and I was taught a great deal well ahead of my time. By the age of seven I knew how to clean a bathroom- like REALLY clean a bathroom. And when I went on babysitting jobs- usually for broke member's of the church- I never left a house less than perfect, lest my Mother should find out. We had Family Home Evening together, sometimes without my dad because he was a very busy Doctor, and read scriptures together- although not all the time. We went carolling together every Christmas and still do. We bottled fruit, removed wallpaper, did the great basement toy turnover, packed , cleaned and played games... together. And although we all have out faults I can honestly say that I love my siblings so unbelievably much that it is THEM that I go to first in crisis, and they are the ones to offer me aid when I most need it.

     Over the years we have acquired several married ins- and each and EVERY one of them has made our family and even better place. Truly they have. As we get older we have also begun to have children, which is utterly fascinating to watch- I LOVE seeing my siblings parent their own children and hearing some of the same techniques I use- as well as many I would never have thought of. I love seeing bits and pieces of the people I love in their OWN creations- it's unreal. And each of my brother's and sisters are different and unique despite our similarities...

Mike; My brother who is deeply contemplative, almost an over thinker. Mike is so kind and such a fine example, he tries with all his might to meet every demand that's placed on him, sometimes juggling more tasks than I would think were humanly possible. Mike and I have been buddies from the beginning, and when I was three and he was 1 1/2 we had an altercation where he threw a can of soup at my face resulting in the need for some stitches- I think like 2 maybe? On the outside it might seem like he was a mean boy- but in fact I suspect it was an act of desperation, as MIKE didn't talk until he was three. I on the other hand came out speaking full sentences, and didn't shut my mouth ummm ever? We are now convinced that Mike throwing that can at me was PROBABLY a plea for all the loud chatter to stop... Ah Mike, how I miss you and your overachieving ways.
Amy; My sister who lives to organise and develop structure from chaos. Amy is formulaic, smart, beautiful and almost too energetic for words. She shames me in her mothering skills and the things she teaches her children. Seriously she taught Brytan the rain cycle when he was like two... who does that? Amy is helpful and a fierce perfectionist, and she likes order above almost everything. When I need council and support hers is in my top three numbers called. Amy works hard and plays hard and loves hard and when I draw a blank- she'll fill it in... Ah Amy, how I need your witty, clever, banter.
Leisl; My sister who feels so utterly deeply, and lives to meet the needs of those she loves- often at her own expense. Leisl has goals and values and a strong streak of Independence- if you tell her she can't do something she will do it- or die trying. Leisl is the girl who absorbs sorrows and exudes joy, but if you tick her off you'll know- without question. She is wildly talented and has on more than a million occasions introduced me to music I simply cannot live without now. And so many times I've lost count she has saved me... Ah Leisl, how you help to put things into perspective.
Shawn; My brother who daily amazes me, and has overcome so much. Shawn has music dripping from his soul, and a sense of humor that both aggravates and disarms those around him. He is the brother who shows up with games in hand, hoping you'll stay and hang out. His talents are many and of such diverse variety and his independence streak gives Leisl's a decent run for her money. His tenacity and boldness and willingness to love and serve are amazing. Poor brother who has filled in the missing links on my computer so many times I'll bet he wanted to throw ME out the window... Ah Shawn the brother who keeps it real- even when no one else will.
SOOO many questions that my mom about lost her head and had to construct a rule whereby Dave could only ask 3 questions a day. Finding this limitation to his understanding VERY frustrating Dave started posing his 3 questions in several parts, thinking he had my mom fooled- which he didn't... Ah Dave how I miss your perfect comedic timing.
Cam; My brother who says sweet and gentle all over. Cameron is the brother who reminds me the most of my own son- wild and wacky one minute,and then quick to forgive, cuddle and compliment. Cam, is led by the Spirit and thinks very carefully about how he speaks. He's not wise about stupid boy things though, sports, video gaming, dancing, etc. A few years ago when we kids had made it a project- led by Shawn- to make Mom and Dad a collage and photo album as a surprise for their 30 year anniversary, we had soooo many pictures of Cam, but 99% were of him on the trampoline/ breaking dancing/acting crazy...Ah cam, how I love your sensitivity to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
Marc; My brother who reminds me of the verse in the Book of Mormon where Nephi says, I having been born of goodly stature... How HE got to be the biggest I'll never know. Marc is passionate, and enthusiastic, and loving. Marc has a soft spot that means he can be hurt easily and abused, but he's loyal and witty and EASY to love. He might have been the bottom of the boys- but he is sure to NOT be overlooked, and his tenacity is going to be of great benefit to him as he gets married and has children. Marc is so talented as well, aware of music from many sources, and is fast to share his joyful discoveries. Actually he's pretty quick to share period... Ah Marc, how I love your practical spin on life- it's refreshing.
Keltie; My baby sister who has lived a lifetime in her 19 years. Considering all those that went before her, Keltie found herself an athlete of another colour- one we had overlooked- but should not have. Keltie has devotion and determination, that are both remarkable and frankly shocking considering how much she has seen in her life. Despite a great deal of turmoil and sorrow swirling around her, she has managed to maintain a sweet and innocent nature that SHOULD have been mine at that age. Her beauty and talents are great and daily making themselves known in new and amazing ways. She also gives Marc a run in the tenacity department, as impossible as that may seem... Ah Keltie, how I appreciate your cheerful and innocent disposition.
    Oh dear brothers and sisters, as I sit here writing this I am teary, and thankful beyond words for the blessing of having you all in my life. Thankful for friends and allies and accomplices. Thankful for comic relief- the answer to every movie quote every known, and a good safe network for my children to rely upon. Thankful that you all accept me in my imperfections, and sustain me. Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he gave us to each other, and as much as you all drive me bananas sometimes- everyday you bring me peace.

I'm just a girl...

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!Just a Girl- No Doubt

    So today, after doing about one thousand loads of laundry, and changing several sets of sheets and cooking several meals, and cleaning up a LOT of messes I didn't make- I am reflecting... I am not going to be writing today the sob story of my life- because it's really pretty wonderful. I do however wish to share some of the thoughts I have had as I've gone about my day.

   Have you ever wandered into a room you are SURE you left clean not five minutes before- and wondered what happened and WHY? Or have you ever mopped the kitchen floor and bleached it only to have someone spill a huge glass of juice which you usually NEVER buy, all over it at dinner just a few hours later? Or this one- where you clean the bathroom, and then later that night the kids finger paint the counter top and sink in toothpaste crap? Because I have enjoyed all those things, often all in the same day.

    To me there is very little worse than laundry, as far as household tasks. I don't just dislike it I LOATHE it!!! It NEVER ends, no one notices it's done- accept when it isn't, and it takes so much time. I will say this- after one complaining session my husband reminded me with a bit of a racial slur that years ago I would have been beating my laundry against a rock, by the river... It made me giggle- and then think. When Matt and I got married we had an apartment, where the complex of course charged us a fortune to do our laundry- in the common laundry area. Then when we moved down to Lethbridge, we didn't have ANYTHING so every few weeks we would accumulate the crap we had dirtied and take a taxi to the laundromat. It was a trek and cost us a pretty penny as well- but it sure beat washing towels and jeans by hand. Have you ever tried to wring out wet blue jeans? It's a hideous task...

    After we had our Sadie my mom bought us a used washer and dryer, which SEVERELY lifted our burdens. And we haven't been able to do without since! So every time I wash clothing or especially bedding I feel thankful that I have a nice newish set of appliances to help me out. However the thought still remains- why do I have to do it???

   As a 'homemaker'- yuck I hate that term, I am required to do a lot of tasks that I hate and are positively thankless. And I can't help sometimes wonder how fair it all is- because as great as my husband is and how hard he works at his job he could NEVER do what I do- he would go stir crazy in seven hours. This means though, that I have definite days that I resent my divine mission in life in lieu of the fact that I am a woman. Does being 'just a girl' really mean JUST that?
  Well NO...

   Assuming it all goes as it "should", then you find yourself changing your identity AGAIN. A new name, a new home and a new role- which by the way is SO not black and white. I remember about a week after being married with Matt standing right beside me, signing something with my maiden name, and he was all offended. The truth is though that 21 years of having the same name and then suddenly changing it, is a hard adjustment. Then once you get used to being someones wife you maybe go and get the wise idea that you should have children... I say that tongue in cheek, because the five incredible beings the Lord has graced me with are undeniably the best thing I have EVER done with my life. That being said, SERIOUSLY having children? CRAZY!!! And then assuming you are ABLE to have children, which perhaps you never considered even being an issue- No matter WHAT you do as a woman and wife before you have a child, NOTHING can adequately prepare you for the surprise that awaits you. How your body will NEVER be the same, not your skin or your breasts or your bladder or your hips/back/knees. And then once you start to figure out one, you have more and of course they all have to be DIFFERENT... BAHHHH!!!!
   So then what? You raise your children and try to figure out what each of them needs and somehow at the same time be the woman of your husband's dreams, albeit with stretch marks and wrinkles... Graying hair and MUCH less energy. Also trying to maintain/build your testimony and keep yourself educated. Not forgetting the community or the importance of physical fitness, or if you have a career keeping that afloat so as not to lose your much sought after place in the workforce. And don't forget to look fashionable and improve your talents and keep the house tidy and organised, and have dinner waiting... And all this on often less than four hours of sleep.
   So by saying I'm just a girl really it's such the perfect way... I am just a girl. Not a miracle worker, although I have had MANY miracles. Not specifically one thing, although capable of EVERYTHING. Not a boy- because we were created very specifically different. No indication of age, or size or colour, or race- just that... A girl. And what a unbelievable thing that is. I would like to pose ANOTHER thought, one that saved me very recently and it's NOT mine. It was shared by a dear friend. And it's called Operation D.O.G. and it's simple. When we feel like we can never measure up and we don't know where we stand or even who we are anymore- we are Daughters Of God! So instead of thinking of ourselves as JUST girls, we need to be living Operation D.O.G. And then somehow we aren't JUST anymore...

The girl in the mirror...

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

The Lonely- Christina Perri

      How is it possible to be married, in a house full of children, living next door to a very good friend, and still be lonely? How can I attend a bustling church weekly, a swarming School when required, and a crowded grocery store far too often and still feel isolated? At my fingertips is access to hundreds of friends and relatives- via a phone or the Internet, but somehow there is a disconnect. We work, we travel, we exercise, we carry on often not even actually communicating with anyone else at all... Why?

    I think it's because we all have within us the same insecurities- and desires, however often left  unrealised. In my life, I have these moments where I look around me and wonder how I got here? And who is this woman looking back from the mirror? And let me first state that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and I can never say it enough, but sometimes I can't help but think what my life COULD have been like if I was the rock star I swore I would be at 16. Undoubtedly all those fantasies I carry around cannot be realised at this time in my life, or maybe ever. And perhaps that's as it should be. I probably don't need to be famous- as no one with fame is REALLY happy, but still as I am sloping dishwater on my shirt, while a wild two year old darts past me, I can't help thinking- yes... THIS is meaningful.

    So back to my previous train of thought- How can we be lonely and yet not alone? I am NEVER alone, at any given hour I have action happening around me, both good and bad. Everything from an extra sleeping companion who had a bad dream, to hands under the bathroom door. I am a married woman, with a husband whom I see daily, and kiss goodbye every morning. I have a large family with whom I communicate often, sisters who I can share my thoughts with, and brothers who will aid me, and sustain me. And of course MANY good friends, at my avail- so how can I be lonely?

    Here's what I think. I think one of the single greatest tools Satan uses, is the convincing us that no one else is going through anything like we are and so NO ONE could possibly understand or care about OUR plights. I think he spends a great portion of his time feeding us the idea that we are essentially alone, and that we are weak if we need help or show emotion. I think he tries to tell us that EVERYONE else knows what they are doing BUT us, and so we should feel stupid and give up... or NOT try at all. We didn't get our acts together and go to school so we'll NEVER be as smart as... We'll always be fat and and all our efforts are wasted... We probably can't have children because we did something wrong in the past, or we don't DESERVE that blessing... We'll NEVER be able to make ends meet, and what miserable failures we are... Someone we love has left us because we NEVER were worth their time, and we NEVER will be... Our loved ones are gone because we don't deserve to be happy, and we're being punished...

    I can't be the only person who has had these thoughts... and I'll admit right now I have thought EVERY single one of them. But that's all they are- THOUGHTS. They aren't truths, they aren't even accurate most of the time. What if we could remember that when those 'thoughts' get loud and build up inside us. What if we could remember that when we need help we can and SHOULD ask for it. And what if when we look in the mirror and don't know how we got where we are, we could remember that we're only seeing a snapshot in a VERY long line of amazement? What if we could keep in mind that the man or woman beside us in line at the grocery store, or at church or in the car ahead of us, is part of the same family we are, and they probably have loneliness of their own. Because here IS the truth. We aren't alone, and we NEVER will be. The Savior has lived and suffered and experienced all of it- there isn't a single pain, fear weakness, sorrow, or frustration he doesn't know personally. Every human being in creation has access to that- the great At One Ment

     I think I really need to listen today...

And I can't fight this feeling anymore...

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)Bring Me to Life- Evanescense

      

Muse Concert 2010- Edmonton Alberta

Killers concert 2009- Edmonton Alberta

     SO, I have an unhealthy obsession with music... Many of you will say, what's the problem with that? And my answer to you would be nothing- if you have a LOT of money and no kids to hide your booty shakin ways from...

     I grew up in a large and VERY musical family. All of us were required to learn piano, and many of us chose voice and other instruments. Several of us took dancing, even a few of my brothers were in tap, although I'm sure they would be mortified if they knew I was telling (Dave and Shawn) but again, it's MY blog!!! When we were moving around every year with Dad in the military, we would sing in EVERY new ward we moved into. More often then not- Love is Spoken Here, as it had two parts and could be divided evenly. We sang before EVERY Family Home Evening, a lovely little ditty- welcome to home evening- and anyone who's joined us on a Monday knows what I'm talking about... Good times! Our family went Christmas Carolling every year also, and still continues -acquiring new members as we get married-ins and friends with a desire to sing the season in. And our Grandma was/is fanatic about us performing on a dime. (What a wonderful, wonderful feeling, when you know that you're falling in love...)

    My daddy loved many different kinds of music, and was pretty open to truly great artists. In fact I first heard Tori Amos because of him. We had, every kind of influence possible- with the exception of Death Metal and Rap. I grew listening to The BeeGees, Neil Sedaka, Linda Ronstad, Yanni, Olivia Newton-John, Don Mclean, Barbara Streisand, Carol King, Samuel Barber, Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, Nearly EVERY Andrew Lloyd- Webber Musical, Abba, Dvorak, John Williams, John Barry, Michael Jackson, Lionel Ritchie, Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, The Beatles, some Pink Floyd, Moody Blues, Eric Clapton and just about anything else you can imagine. Factor in also that we were members of the Church and you've got a LONG list of Mormom Tabernacle Choir, Janice Kapp-Perry, and Michael Maclean's music to choose from.

   In my TWEENS, my parents got the "Singing Machine"... For those of you who don't know what that is- well it's magic! A stereo like unit with several microphone connections and both tape AND eight track players... It's like a self contained karaoke unit. And it provided tonnes of fun and WAY too many embarrassing moments- I remember coming in from a youth dance, to a party my parents were holding and Dad would be singing Phantom of the Opera and he would wave me over to sing the UBER high soprano part with him... I'll have you know that for quite a few years I could TOTALLY sing those high notes- should I have? I doubt it- but I did.

   I fell in love at fifteen with Sarah Mclachlan, and my style changed a bit- but since then I have found myself craving immersion in music of every kind- okay not SO much country although I do make some exceptions. On ANY given day I can listen to anything ranging from Debussy, to Down With Webster. Lady Gaga, Regina Spektor, Billy Talent, Radiohead, Rob Zombie, The best of Danny Elfman, The Veronicas, Metallica, Black Eyed Peas, Imogen Heap, Sarah Brightman, Kerli, Ke$ha (I know it's a guilty pleasure) MUSE, Sia, and the list goes on. I have it bad- where I find myself rocking out to just about anything at any hour of the day...

   Anyways this drivel could go on and on, and for certain we will be revisiting this topic, but I wanted to say that sometimes music can affect you from a source you never knew possible- case in point my RIDICULOUS movie score collection... Inception anyone? Somersby, Schindler's List, Titanic, Or Tron- thanks again Leisl... SO keep listening- because sometimes it's the only thing that carries ME through and I can't be the ONLY one. can I?



Somewhere Over that Rainbow...

You cut me out in little stars
and place me in the sky.
I lose my sense of time

You know me
How troubled I can be
but through your kaleidoscope
I let go.

Cuz you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope it's beautiful

A tingle travels up my spine
a cluster of colors and twine
as we melt into wine
You know me
How troubled I can be
but through your kaleidoscope
I let go

Cuz you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful
Kaleidoscope- Kate Havnevik

   Every morning at approximately 6:15 in the morning I get up- dragging heavily, and workout. Within the last six months I have had the pleasure of my friend and neighbor to accompany me in this ritual. I'm not gonna lie, some mornings are sheer torture and I have found myself willing the alarm to be quiet, or sneaking a few extra minutes of much needed sleep. However after I'm finished I am NEVER sorry I did it.
   After the birth of my third child Hazel I decided that it was time for me to get my act together and take better care of my body. My pregnancy had reduced my size a fair bit and my muscles A GREAT deal and I felt that I was too young to feel that old in my body- that was almost six years ago. I didn't lose a bunch of weight, in fact as irony would have it I think I put some on, mostly because I wasn't throwing up with a vengeance anymore, but I started to feel SOOOO much better. And I could count on my body to do what I needed it to do. So I told myself I could sacrifice my time three to four times a week at first. After that I had two more babies and tried to work out to the end of my pregnancies- perhaps unwisely, but what a difference it made to my well being, and my recovery.
   Over the years I have done A LOT of different types of workouts, Cardio being the major player, and walking of course... Oh the miles I have walked, especially when I was training for The Weekend to End Breast Cancer... Weights, Yoga, Interval training, Kick boxing, Stripercize, Dancing- which I do all through my day, Belly dancing for a bit, Zumba, Running (not my fave), P90 X, and now my new love with which I am having great success- Turbo Fire. I discovered that I could get sweaty and all would still be well- in fact I felt BETTER! The biggest trial was trying to find time to do it with five children, and nursing babies- At first I would do it during afternoon naps when all the kids were down and I could have at least an hour to myself, but after some years that became a little tricky as not all the kids would nap and they would need attending- or I could find any number of special messes laying around my house when I was done.
   Sometimes when I would be exercising my kids would come in the room and ask me for things or complain or get in the way and it made me feel like screaming... Here I am exercising my fat body trying to do what's right, and show the Lord my gratitude and take care of what I've been given-when what I REALLY want to do is sleep- and I have to FIGHT to achieve said goal!!! A few years ago I remember doing the P90 X Ab ripper workout (crying while doing it)... and two of my daughters were sitting on the couch watching me- when one of them said as innocently as a five year old can- "It's harder for Mommy because those people aren't fat and Mommy is"... You see no good deed goes unpunished!!! And yet I needed and continue to need it.
   Then one day a few months ago, after separating our children from yet another mess making fiasco my friend suggested that we might have a better go of things if we got up early to workout... SIGH***
At first I flat out refused, feeling certain that I couldn't commit to that, and then through a series of promptings I felt like besides my laziness, there really WERE no drawbacks to said plan. I needed to change my night owl ways, but that was a good idea anyways. And so with a LOT of prayer here I find myself every morning (minus Sunday) following the Word of Wisdom.
   I remember my mother doing Jane Fonda's Light Impact Aerobics on and off through my childhood- in fact she had a RECORD of that workout even, but she had terrible knees and a few more babies then I do and so that tapered off unfortunately. And I can't help but wonder if she had kept it up if she might be here still- I know it's a moot point now, but it serves as a very serious reminder to me. 53 is MUCH too young to die in my opinion, and if this is what it takes to have energy and live a long and full life, than I am doing it.
   The point is we ALL know we should exercise- just like we all know we shouldn't eat potato chips and sugar or drink alcohol and smoke- but I'll be the first to admit that NO ONE else can make those choices for us. And I certainly won't be condemning anyone for not being as active as they 'could' be. Let me just say that it has made a difference to ME, and I can HONESTLY say that I have developed a testimony of the power of exercise and how NOTHING equals it. And finally after years of giving my body away to nurture/grow someone else I am having success, and for the first time since before Sadie I weigh only about 28lbs more than I did when I got married. When I told my husband that last night he was a little inscensed and informed me that he was going to start working out- I guess now that I FINALLY weigh less than him freaks him out? Although he recognises that it didn't happen by accident...
   So here's my thought; MOST of the time when we want something, we have to work for it, and a part of life is achieving balance. My hope is that our lives can be better balanced and give us the purpose and satisfaction that we both deserve and can have- even if it means having to work a little... or a LOT.


 

All I Ever Wanted...

I will be the answer, At the end of the line
I will be there for you, While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently- into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently- into morning
For the night has been unkind...
Answer- Sarah McLachlan                                                   

  Whoever said Marriage was challenging was seriously holding back. In all my life I have never known anything as mind expanding, exhausting, and consuming as being married. I also have never known anything that soothes, softens, and satisfies me as much as being married has...
  In the Thirteen years that I have been with my husband Matthew we have evolved in ways I never thought were possible. We have fought with unbelievable severity. Angry severe words many of which were shouted and thrown across several floors of our home, and busy parking lots. SOME were even said with our children present, which I will always regret...
  Because of our intensity in anger though- we have also had incredible moments of bliss. There have been so many nights when I lie awake with my fingertips brushing the inside of Matt's wrist feeling the steadiness of his heartbeat as he sleeps. And a lot of times where we are together and I feel like there could be no better match for me than this man beside me. Times like those have GREATLY overwhelmed the bad times, thankfully...
   When we got married, we were very young... And we grew up together. When we would argue Matt would shut down and be silent and it drove me crazy that he never had anything to say- somewhere along the way that changed and I now sometimes wish he hadn't learned how to spar with me. Alas it has made it necessary for me to recognize how very little I know. I remember a few years into our marriage when we lived in Lethbridge we were fighting and I called my Mother to tell her all the mean things I felt my husband was doing- hoping she would tell me how wonderful I was and how wrong he was... but that was not to be and my mother surprised me. She said; Becky, I love you so much, and I'm sorry you're sad, but don't ever call me again about issues between you and your husband... And then she hung up on me? At first I was so angry that my OWN mother was leaving me high and dry, but over the years I have come to realise that she was telling me that she would in NO WAY interfere with the most important relationship I would ever have. I hope she knows what a rare gift that was and how it paved the way for trust between her and Matthew.
   Again we are evolving- the understatement of the year... Things have become very much absolute and I find myself re-evaluating my life, and questioning what I know. Here are some things I KNOW;
I have SO many good friends, friends who have not ceased to shared their testimony with me through acts of kindness and charity. They also have born witness to choosing the right, and have encouraged me to do the same.
I have a family I both love and need and they have been a source of tremendous strength and comfort to me... that and A LOT of laughs...
I have five children who love and adore their Daddy. Each of them are unique and draw different things from us as parents. And they deserve a loving and safe environment to develop in.
I am not perfect, and the adversary is ACUTELY aware of my weaknesses.
I have made Eternal commitments- ones that extend beyond Matthew and I.
The Lord is INFINITELY aware of me, and MUCH more powerful than the adversary... but HE asks me to meet him halfway.
I LOVE my husband. I love how it makes me feel when he touches me without prompting. I love how he smells right on the side of his temple- I know it's weird. I love how hard he works for us, often paid much less than he deserves. And how he's the first guy to volunteer to help when someone needs something moved or fixed. I love locking hands with him over the pew at church on Sunday, while our children move around us like planets in orbit. And how at any hour of the day/night he'll go get me medicine, groceries, snacks, one of my siblings, etc. He makes me laugh constantly and drives me crazy- so crazy I have warned him with a fork in hand that I want to stab him in the leg with it- not kill him, just cause him pain...
I don't want to give him a reason to give up- because he's worth more than I could ever say. And he always has been.
   And so here I stand today with my lasting thought... I THINK it's about deciding, deciding what you WANT and what you are willing to let go of. Sometimes even when we are totally justified in our anger and frustration we will need to say- it doesn't matter. What really matters means releasing our pain and allowing ourselves to be healed. Allowing the Atonement to work, and remember that THIS is what the Savior descended below EVERYTHING for. I hope I can do that, so that I have what will be the best experiences of my life...
  May your day be peaceful my friends... And let us not hesitate any longer.