The girl in the mirror...

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

The Lonely- Christina Perri

      How is it possible to be married, in a house full of children, living next door to a very good friend, and still be lonely? How can I attend a bustling church weekly, a swarming School when required, and a crowded grocery store far too often and still feel isolated? At my fingertips is access to hundreds of friends and relatives- via a phone or the Internet, but somehow there is a disconnect. We work, we travel, we exercise, we carry on often not even actually communicating with anyone else at all... Why?

    I think it's because we all have within us the same insecurities- and desires, however often left  unrealised. In my life, I have these moments where I look around me and wonder how I got here? And who is this woman looking back from the mirror? And let me first state that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and I can never say it enough, but sometimes I can't help but think what my life COULD have been like if I was the rock star I swore I would be at 16. Undoubtedly all those fantasies I carry around cannot be realised at this time in my life, or maybe ever. And perhaps that's as it should be. I probably don't need to be famous- as no one with fame is REALLY happy, but still as I am sloping dishwater on my shirt, while a wild two year old darts past me, I can't help thinking- yes... THIS is meaningful.

    So back to my previous train of thought- How can we be lonely and yet not alone? I am NEVER alone, at any given hour I have action happening around me, both good and bad. Everything from an extra sleeping companion who had a bad dream, to hands under the bathroom door. I am a married woman, with a husband whom I see daily, and kiss goodbye every morning. I have a large family with whom I communicate often, sisters who I can share my thoughts with, and brothers who will aid me, and sustain me. And of course MANY good friends, at my avail- so how can I be lonely?

    Here's what I think. I think one of the single greatest tools Satan uses, is the convincing us that no one else is going through anything like we are and so NO ONE could possibly understand or care about OUR plights. I think he spends a great portion of his time feeding us the idea that we are essentially alone, and that we are weak if we need help or show emotion. I think he tries to tell us that EVERYONE else knows what they are doing BUT us, and so we should feel stupid and give up... or NOT try at all. We didn't get our acts together and go to school so we'll NEVER be as smart as... We'll always be fat and and all our efforts are wasted... We probably can't have children because we did something wrong in the past, or we don't DESERVE that blessing... We'll NEVER be able to make ends meet, and what miserable failures we are... Someone we love has left us because we NEVER were worth their time, and we NEVER will be... Our loved ones are gone because we don't deserve to be happy, and we're being punished...

    I can't be the only person who has had these thoughts... and I'll admit right now I have thought EVERY single one of them. But that's all they are- THOUGHTS. They aren't truths, they aren't even accurate most of the time. What if we could remember that when those 'thoughts' get loud and build up inside us. What if we could remember that when we need help we can and SHOULD ask for it. And what if when we look in the mirror and don't know how we got where we are, we could remember that we're only seeing a snapshot in a VERY long line of amazement? What if we could keep in mind that the man or woman beside us in line at the grocery store, or at church or in the car ahead of us, is part of the same family we are, and they probably have loneliness of their own. Because here IS the truth. We aren't alone, and we NEVER will be. The Savior has lived and suffered and experienced all of it- there isn't a single pain, fear weakness, sorrow, or frustration he doesn't know personally. Every human being in creation has access to that- the great At One Ment

     I think I really need to listen today...