All I Ever Wanted...

I will be the answer, At the end of the line
I will be there for you, While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently- into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it, Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently- into morning
For the night has been unkind...
Answer- Sarah McLachlan                                                   

  Whoever said Marriage was challenging was seriously holding back. In all my life I have never known anything as mind expanding, exhausting, and consuming as being married. I also have never known anything that soothes, softens, and satisfies me as much as being married has...
  In the Thirteen years that I have been with my husband Matthew we have evolved in ways I never thought were possible. We have fought with unbelievable severity. Angry severe words many of which were shouted and thrown across several floors of our home, and busy parking lots. SOME were even said with our children present, which I will always regret...
  Because of our intensity in anger though- we have also had incredible moments of bliss. There have been so many nights when I lie awake with my fingertips brushing the inside of Matt's wrist feeling the steadiness of his heartbeat as he sleeps. And a lot of times where we are together and I feel like there could be no better match for me than this man beside me. Times like those have GREATLY overwhelmed the bad times, thankfully...
   When we got married, we were very young... And we grew up together. When we would argue Matt would shut down and be silent and it drove me crazy that he never had anything to say- somewhere along the way that changed and I now sometimes wish he hadn't learned how to spar with me. Alas it has made it necessary for me to recognize how very little I know. I remember a few years into our marriage when we lived in Lethbridge we were fighting and I called my Mother to tell her all the mean things I felt my husband was doing- hoping she would tell me how wonderful I was and how wrong he was... but that was not to be and my mother surprised me. She said; Becky, I love you so much, and I'm sorry you're sad, but don't ever call me again about issues between you and your husband... And then she hung up on me? At first I was so angry that my OWN mother was leaving me high and dry, but over the years I have come to realise that she was telling me that she would in NO WAY interfere with the most important relationship I would ever have. I hope she knows what a rare gift that was and how it paved the way for trust between her and Matthew.
   Again we are evolving- the understatement of the year... Things have become very much absolute and I find myself re-evaluating my life, and questioning what I know. Here are some things I KNOW;
I have SO many good friends, friends who have not ceased to shared their testimony with me through acts of kindness and charity. They also have born witness to choosing the right, and have encouraged me to do the same.
I have a family I both love and need and they have been a source of tremendous strength and comfort to me... that and A LOT of laughs...
I have five children who love and adore their Daddy. Each of them are unique and draw different things from us as parents. And they deserve a loving and safe environment to develop in.
I am not perfect, and the adversary is ACUTELY aware of my weaknesses.
I have made Eternal commitments- ones that extend beyond Matthew and I.
The Lord is INFINITELY aware of me, and MUCH more powerful than the adversary... but HE asks me to meet him halfway.
I LOVE my husband. I love how it makes me feel when he touches me without prompting. I love how he smells right on the side of his temple- I know it's weird. I love how hard he works for us, often paid much less than he deserves. And how he's the first guy to volunteer to help when someone needs something moved or fixed. I love locking hands with him over the pew at church on Sunday, while our children move around us like planets in orbit. And how at any hour of the day/night he'll go get me medicine, groceries, snacks, one of my siblings, etc. He makes me laugh constantly and drives me crazy- so crazy I have warned him with a fork in hand that I want to stab him in the leg with it- not kill him, just cause him pain...
I don't want to give him a reason to give up- because he's worth more than I could ever say. And he always has been.
   And so here I stand today with my lasting thought... I THINK it's about deciding, deciding what you WANT and what you are willing to let go of. Sometimes even when we are totally justified in our anger and frustration we will need to say- it doesn't matter. What really matters means releasing our pain and allowing ourselves to be healed. Allowing the Atonement to work, and remember that THIS is what the Savior descended below EVERYTHING for. I hope I can do that, so that I have what will be the best experiences of my life...
  May your day be peaceful my friends... And let us not hesitate any longer.